pinching pennies

This is another reposting of a letter to our preschool community. I am posting some of our older letters so that you can access them any time. 

Dear Parents,

This week, I want to focus on something that came to me when I was on a hike with my middle child. We got up early one Sunday, and spent a couple of hours enjoying a beautiful morning adventure. At the end of the hike, just when I was thinking I’m tired, hot, and I can’t wait to take off my shoes, my son turned to me and said, “This was the best hike ever!” In my opinion, it wasn’t the VERY BEST HIKE EVER. It was a very lovely, very ordinary hike. But it got me thinking… why did he love this hike so much? And how can I get him to respond like that to everything!?

Before you think that my kids always turn to me with thanks and adoration for everything I do for them, let me tell you another story:

A few weeks ago, that same son and I both read the book The Martian. After we finished it, I took him out on a special date to see the movie. When we were driving home, I said “Thanks for reading a fun book! It was a special night for us, huh?” He replied “Yes, Mom! I really appreciate getting to do something special with just you and me! Thanks for making dinner early and getting everyone where they needed to be on time, so we could have this night!”

No. He didn’t say that. What he actually said was “Well, I wish the movie had been earlier. I’m really tired now.”

Ouch. That hurt. Especially since it wasn’t easy to arrange it all. I did have to run on 110% all day in order to get home from work, make the dinner, rearrange the practice carpool, and hustle everyone along to make sure homework was done so we could be free to go.

I was about to lay into him about how back when I was a kid, we walked both ways to the movie theater through the snow, and we liked it! But the truth is, when I was a kid, I didn’t appreciate things any more than my kids do now. Some children have a lot of empathy naturally in their disposition. And that’s amazing! Mine often don’t.

So, especially with Christmas coming, how do we get our children to appreciate more? If your house is like mine, there are probably way more things in it than you truly need. I can tell you right now that in my boys’ bedroom there are so many Legos that they couldn’t possibly build with them all, even with an entire year of playtime. My daughter’s craft supplies are probably sufficient to costume all of Broadway this season. We own equipment for almost any sport you can think of, and beach gear, and hiking gear, and camping gear, and the list goes on and on and is starting to embarrass me. And the kids aren’t the only guilty ones. My jewelry box is full, my closet is full, my kitchen cupboards are full, and my bookcase is full.

And it just isn’t stuff that we have, either. Our time is filled with sports practices, scout meetings, music lessons, school events, and outings with our friends.

However, all that stuff doesn’t always translate into a feeling of being fortunate.

So how do we instill an appreciation in our kids for the things we buy them or do for them?

I think one solution is to make them a part of the planning and the work and the money that is required for these things, as they come up.

A few years ago, two of my kids were learning about American symbols and landmarks in school. They came home telling me that the Washington Monument, White House, Capitol, and Vietnam Memorial are all in the same city, and all three kids wanted to go see them. I realized two things as they were talking: That it would be a really neat trip, and that it would be tough to plan and to fund.

I decided to make it a family project. I knew that the astronomical amount of money and advance panning this trip would require wouldn’t mean any more to them than cost of a new toy at Target or family tickets to a Dodger game. So how could I make them appreciate it?

First, we all went online together to research plane tickets, rental cars, and hotels. We estimated costs for food, admissions, and souvenirs. We added it all up, padded the total a little for incidentals, and had a budget!

The next thing was to make a chart with spots for stickers to track our savings. Once the sticker squares were all filled, we would be on our way! This chart was taped to the kitchen wall, and the kids never forgot whose turn it was to put the next sticker on the chart.

Now, how to save the money and fill the squares? The kids had lots of ideas. First, they hosted a bake sale, and lemonade stand, did pet-sitting, and took our cans and bottle to the recycling center instead of throwing them in the curbside bin.

All of this money went into the “Vacation Fund.” It grew ever. so. slowly. Then we had a learning moment one night, when the kids wanted to go to a restaurant fundraiser night for our school. We talked about the cost, and that the school would only get 15%, or about $7.50 from our $50 family dinner. We decided to donate $10 to the school, eat food already in our house, and put $40 in the vacation fund. It was also a great moment to explain that all groups they belong to, and all of their friends’ groups (like school, sports teams, scouts, churches, etc.) will need money and have fundraisers. We just can’t give to everyone who needs it, or to everyone who asks us, or even to every one we want to give to. We will have to pick and choose, forever.

Another thing that came out of this discussion was the fact that at a restaurant, we often spend $10-20 on just beverages. From that point forward, every time we ate out, we skipped sodas and put another $10 in the vacation fund. (win-win, eh?)

This was all great, but at the rate they were saving money, we might as well start walking to Washington DC. We’d get there just as fast. So my husband and I pitched in as well. We “found” little bits of money here and there. For Christmas, Grandma got the kids suitcases with some money inside, clipped to a note that said “for your vacation fund!” Some of the Easter eggs that year even had money for the vacation fund inside them.

We did finally get all the money we needed. The kids meanwhile had researched places we wanted to visit, and we made our schedule and purchased our tickets. It was a cause for celebration the night we purchased our plane tickets together, as a family (something that I would have likely done on my own if this wasn’t a family project).

That trip was amazing! Our family had a great time. We saw all the sights in Washington DC, spent the night on an Amish Farm, visited family, and even got to see the Dodgers play the Nationals. The kids were very thoughtful and careful about how they used the souvenir budget. They ordered waters all throughout the trip, and then had enough extra money to get ice cream treats! It was fun watching my son bargain with different t-shirt vendors, getting the one with the better color options to match the one with a better price. We had some complaining about long walking distances and hot weather, but overall the kids loved the trip, and our family had an amazing 10 days on the east coast.

It took 16 months for my family to save the money for this trip. I don’t suggest that you try something so industrious with preschoolers. Start smaller. If your child wants a particular toy, or day at Disneyland, or video game, let him or her earn it! (Our current “vacation fund” is working toward getting us on an Alaskan adventure. Check in with me in another 16 months to see our trip photos!)

Preschoolers can earn money, or points (if money doesn’t mean anything to them yet). They can earn a sticker for a chart, or a marble or scoop of sand to fill a jar. Let them place the marble or sticker or sand, so they can own their successes. Be prepared to help them out financially, especially if the item they need costs too much for them to save before they lose interest in the project. You can sneak some money into the pot, or agree to match their savings dollar for dollar. A friend of mine makes her kids pay for their own toys out of their own allowance savings, but then goes back and replaces the money later, unbeknownst to them.

Preschoolers can clear their own dishes from the table, wipe off counters, and dust. They can help fold laundry and even run the vacuum cleaner. (The vacuum was always my favorite chore for preschoolers. There is no way they can leave the area worse than they found it. And that is something.)

Chores aren’t the only option! Preschoolers can set up a lemonade stand. (No one can resist buying a 50 cent cup of lemonade from a three-year-old). (Disclaimer: Please don’t send your child out to the street corner without an adult.) They can help with a garage sale. They can help with pet sitting. They can make birthday cards for their grandparents (saving $3 and creating huge feelings at the same time!). They can also just earn points for trying a new food, saying thank-you without prompting, cleaning up their room, or brushing their teeth without complaining.

Whatever it is that your child wants, they can be involved in earning it. I find toys left laying on almost every floor of my house, because my kids don’t take care of them. We find things behind the bed, that the kids don’t remember they had, let alone miss them. I know they won’t always appreciate everything they get to have and to do, but they do appreciate the things they earned themselves. The Washington DC t-shirts that my boys chose and purchased themselves were their favorite thing to wear, long after they faded and were outgrown. We’ve been on other trips both before and since that one, but they don’t talk about them nearly as often or as fondly.

The other key component to helping kids appreciate things is to keep it simple. The hike that my son and I went on together was largely so much fun for him, because it was simple. We didn’t have to rush around and collect gear and rearrange schedules and hurry hurry hurry to go. It didn’t cost a thing, take any advance planning, or involve any sort of expectations. We just headed out, the two of us, and truly enjoyed the morning.

Your adventures and your toys can be simple. Think about how much fun your kids have playing with a box. Or a stick. Or mud. I’m not saying that those are the only toys you should have (of course). But your kids can have as much fun climbing a tree as they will assembling a Lego set. We loved our trip to Washington DC, and my kids do love their toys and their gear. But they also love the little things. And we all need the balance.

Enjoy your time with your kids. Enjoy picking out surprises for them and being spontaneous, but also enjoy making plans for them and working together toward a goal. It will mean so much more by the time the event or the item is earned. To both of you.

Miss Susan