Let Them Take Risks

A couple weeks ago, I wrote the post “Let Them Get Dirty.”

As a follow-up to that, and to take it a step further, I would like to add “Let Them Take Risks.”

I watched children in Iceland climb trees, hop from rock to rock along the seashore, climb down into a lava cave, run up a mountain, and jump off a boulder. And this was all while at school!

I think we sometimes worry too much for our kids. We don’t want to see them get hurt (of course!). We don’t want to feel responsible if they do get hurt (of course!).

However, we are doing them a huge disservice! Kids need to learn for themselves how far over they can lean, before they lose their balance. They need to learn how far they can jump, how high they can climb, how fast they can run. This is how they learn agility, balance, dexterity, and grace.

We need to trust our kids: They don’t want to get hurt any more than we want them to! They do, though, want to run, jump, climb, and swing from the branches.

I hear your thoughts…

But Susan! But even if they don’t want to get hurt, and even if we don’t want them to get hurt, they might still get hurt!

You’re right. They might get hurt. They might get hurt falling out of a tree. They might also get hurt falling out of bed. We can’t protect them from ever having an accident, but I promise you this: The more they get to practice running and climbing and jumping and hanging, the better they will become at running and climbing and jumping and hanging. And they will take it in steps. It is a rare child who will climb all the way to the top on his very first time in a tree. He’ll climb a little further each time, though, as he gets used to it. The more you protect them, the more you put them in danger. The child I worry about most is the child who doesn’t have any practice at balancing and moving.

So let your kids take risks. At the park, let them walk along the top of the wall, and go up the slide and jump off the ladder and climb a tree. Let them try the monkey bars by themselves.  In your house, let them slide down the stairs or peel their own carrots. Let them jump from chair to couch, to avoid the hot lava. Let them try cartwheels. Let them use scissors. At the beach, let them jump off the sand dunes and try to outrun the waves. Let your kids run, even when the ground is rocky or uneven. Let them carry heavy things and Let them take risks.

Please, though, remember that every parent is different and every family has a different level of comfort with risk and risky play. You need to make sure that you only let your kids take risks that you feel match your parenting style, your family, and your children. Risky play can result in united consequences. Don't feel pressured to do something that feels scary to you. 

I’d like to show you a little story, in pictures, of what it can look like when kids take risks:

This is the playground at the preschool Kaldársel, near Reykjavik, Iceland. There is no swing set, no slide, no sandbox. There is also… no fence! The kids are given this boundary: Stay close enough that you can always see an adult. They are trusted not to wander away, and they (because no one wants to be lost!) don’t wander away.

This little girl wanted to cross the river in a spot that was just too big to leap. She finds a big plank and starts dragging it to the place she wants to cross. Notice that she is in rain boots. If she slips in, she will stay dry, but she will learn a lot about stability and footholds!

(Problem solving! Creativity! Engineering! Estimating distance!)

These boys, who are on the far side of the creek, help her get the plank to span the creek. They had to lean out to grab their end of the board, but they didn’t fall in. Notice that the boy in orange naturally gives himself a low center of gravity and a wide stance.

(Cooperation! More problem solving! Balance! Stability!)

The kids start using their new bridge to walk back and forth over the creek. They start out with tiny steps, and hold their arms wide for balance.

(Balancing! Assessing risk! Equilibrium! Taking turns!)

As they get braver, they start testing out how much they can get the bridge to bounce.

(Bravery! Being careful! Testing limits! Physics! Calculating risk!)

Some of the kids got very brave and used the flexibility of the board to help them leap from the middle of the bridge to the bank of the river. My heart was in my throat, but not a single kid missed the bank on the side of the stream. Perhaps their hearts were in their throats as well? Being daring is exciting!

(Testing their own limits! Learning their own skills and increasing their bravery! Building on previous skills! Dynamism! Balance! Joy!)

After a period of increasing daring and increasing confidence, the bounces got so big that the board snapped in two. The boy who happened to be on the plank at that moment deftly leaped onto the bank of the creek, with barely a splash on his feet.

So did the fun (and the learning) stop there? Of course not.

The kids quickly realized that what used to be a bridge was now a lever. With one end down in the water, and the middle of the board resting on the edge of the bank, that left the other end raised about a foot in the air. The kids quickly figured out that they could jump on to the land end of the board and that would make the water end of the board fly up, creating fantastic splashes.

(Engineering! Physics! Creativity! Exuberance!)

After playing with their new levers a bit, the boys on this side of the creek realized they wanted to get back to the other side of the creek, but now had no bridge…

So they found another board and used it to span the gap that was left when the first board broke. It was a little less stable, and a little narrower. However, they were veritable experts at balancing across the river by this point. They also knew that their teacher was nearby if they needed her.

(Problem solving! Team work! Estimating! Overcoming fears! Security!)

This hour of free play was amazing. The same 5 kids were engaged in the activity the entire time. The teachers stood by, but never interfered. They never suggested that the kids get this board or that board or walk around to a narrower place to cross. They never asked the kids to count their steps across or told them to estimate how high they were jumping. They never helped a child climb something (the teachers insist that the children learn to climb it themselves). They never suggested that a child start doing something or stop doing something. Most importantly, though, they never ever ever said “Be careful!” They just let the kids be. The kids, though, learned so much…. From confidence to improved balance to physics. I can’t think of a possible way to design a lesson for our kids that can teach them so much.


*Disclaimer: Don't take risks or allow your children to take risks that can result in injury. And don't blame me if you do. You need to be comfortable, on your own, for any play that you allow. 

Real Time for Meal Time

I have so many thoughts and questions and beginnings of answers swirling through my head after coming home from the International Play Iceland conference last week. As I toured the schools, I found myself rotating through the following thoughts:

…We could do that!

… I wish we could do that!

… That’s just like the way we do it!

… Wow! That would never go over in America.

… Hmmm. I would never do that.

It was an amazing experience and one I will never forget. My mind is exploding with exciting ideas and dreams of how to take these lessons, conversations, observations, and experiences, and to sort out what I can do with all of it. Already I can see a change in how I am treating my own children and my job. Hopefully I will have more to say soon, as I process, read my notes, look at my photos, and continue talking to the incredible teachers and directors I met at the conference.

For now, though, I am going to focus on one little thing. Maybe this will help me see how all the many little things tie in together.

And that thing is lunch. At the preschool Kaldársel in Iceland, I was invited to eat lunch with the children. This one little moment, of all of my week, reaffirmed for me the importance of healthy meals and social mealtime.

After a long hike and a snack of apple slices, we returned to the school building to sit down for lunch with the children. There were several tables, each of which sat 6-8 people, spread throughout a few small rooms. 

The food was brought out to each table on a platter. The children were expected to use polite manners, wait their turn, and share the meal. They were provided with china plates, glasses, and real adult-sized silverware. The meal consisted of rice, vegetables, and fish, and was served along with a sauce that tasted like a mild curry. We were given a pitcher of water to accompany the lunch.

The children took turns and served themselves from the platter of food, and poured their own water. They used their own fork and knife to cut their own food. There were adults circulating through the lunch rooms, helping out with replenishing food. However, they weren’t monitoring the children’s food choices. The kids could take as much or as little of each food as they wanted. At the table where I sat, the four kids each took some of everything (although one declined the sauce). No adult took stock of whether or not they tried everything. There were no choices that were unhealthy, so no matter what they chose, it was a good lunch. They had already had fruit in their day, and they were plenty hungry for a good meal after their fresh air, exercise, and a very small snack.

After eating, the children (at this school, they were all ages 4 and 5), took their own plates back to the kitchen. They scraped (very little) leftovers into the garbage, stacked the dirty plates, and sorted the silverware.

One thing that amazed me was the lack of mess. I expected spills and crumbs, but I didn’t find any. There were some stray rice grains on the floor, but that came from eating, not from serving or carrying the plates. It was no more mess than if they had each been handed a pre-plated serving of food.

This one meal made me think a lot about how I do things with my own kids.

It is important to give them responsibility. The Icelandic preschoolers were able to serve themselves, eat, and clean up after themselves.  This was clearly something they were used to doing, and they had developed a skill for eating carefully and neatly after practicing it often.

It is important to give them autonomy. The kids were given only a couple of choices, and all of them were healthy, but they were given the choice to say yes or no. They could load their plate with vegetables and skip the fish. Or choose a tiny amount of each item. They could smother it in curry sauce or skip it altogether. The adults didn’t intervene. The only negative consequence for any child that I can think of would be that they might feel hungry later (a pretty easy lesson to learn, in my opinion).

It is important to be with them. There were staff for cooking the food and wiping tables, but the children’s teachers sat down to eat with the kids. The conversations, since it wasn’t about who is eating what or how much, was about much more important things. One girl explained to the boy sitting next to her that it tickles when you scratch the palm of your own hand. This led into a conversation about clapping hands, making noise, funny feelings, and what tickles the most. The teacher at the table was a part of this fun conversation. Another teacher was comforting a boy who had fallen into a creek and was tired, cold, and worn out (more on that story later!). Another table was talking about how big spiders can grow. These conversations sure beat the ones at my dining table which center around “if I eat this, can I then eat that?” and “How much do I have to eat?” and “But I’m not hungry!” I don’t think I even need to say it, but of course there were no phones, TV, or tablets present to distract from eating and enjoying each other’s company.

It is important to feed children healthy food. This goes without saying, I suppose, but it might be the hardest for me. These children didn’t expect anything different from their lunch, so they were ready to eat it. The teachers explained that they get “breakfast, then fruit time, then lunch, then fruit time again, and then dinner.” Notice that it isn’t snack time in between meals, it is fruit time. Even in a country where they can hardly grow trees and they have to import almost all of their produce, they serve fruit instead of the empty calories in crackers and breads. The children are therefore hungry enough to eat the next meal, and don’t hold out waiting for different options. The next time to eat is going to be just as nutritious as this time is. These kids are growing and their brains are developing at rates that won’t ever happen again in their lives. They need to eat foods that will support all of the development that is happening.

(Of course the ramifications for this are much bigger than lunch time, or meals, or food in general. Obviously responsibility, autonomy, and our attention aren't just reserved for eating. More on these ideas as I work them out myself!)

For now, though: I am challenging myself to make sure that I am there for meals with my kids: to enjoy their conversations, to watch them practice life skills, to teach them independence, and to strengthen the bonds between us. I can’t think of anything more important to put on the menu.