Just Be

Dear Parents,

My mom told me a story the other day. She said my (adult) brother was heading out on his bike with her grandchild in the baby seat, and as they were leaving she said “Have fun and be careful!” My brother, true-to-form, replied sarcastically “Thanks for reminding me. I can’t ever remember if I am supposed to be careful or not be careful.”

In other words, of course he will be careful! He has his most precious person, his own two-year-old son, on the bike (not to mention that he himself would rather not crash and get injured).

That made me think about how often I tell my own kids to be careful. When they want to head out on their bikes, when they climb a tree, when they want to walk around the corner to a friend’s house. It’s so hard not to say! I do want them to be careful! I find myself saying it to my kids all the time.

But the point I am trying to make, albeit in a less sarcastic way than my little brother, is that of course they will be careful. For one thing, nobody does something risky with out being cautious. It goes completely against human nature to try to get hurt. Whether it is crossing a street or trying to balance on a small ledge or going skiing, we want to be safel.

I know! I know! Kids forget to be careful sometimes! What will they do if we don’t remind them? I watched with a lump in my throat and panic in every cell of my body as my own children have run across a street without looking for cars. I have watched my son run and jump off a cliff into a creek with complete abandon. I know they need guidance and they need to be taught what dangers there are, and how to avoid accidents. They are kids, and kids are impulsive and not forward-thinking, at best.

But the words “Be careful!” don’t help. For one thing, we say it so often that it has become part of the white noise of our children’s lives. The words have become almost completely meaningless to our kids.

For another thing, we say it way too often. We tell kids to be careful when they don’t need to be. I have heard parents tell their kids “Be careful! Don’t run! You might fall.” What!? Kids are meant to run. They are built to run. As a matter of fact, I often wistfully note the fact that kids just run everywhere they go. I wish I had that energy ad stamina! If you can’t spend your childhood running, when will you? I admit, it’s true. They might fall (and learn a little about balance while they’re at it). And that’s okay.

And finally, “Be careful!” is such an incomplete statement. What do we mean when we say it? Sometimes we mean “Look out for cars before you enter the street.” Other times we mean “Don’t climb onto any branches that are too unstable to hold your weight.” Or “Don’t forget to make sure you are balanced before you let go.” We might mean “Look at where you are going to land before you jump, and make sure it is clear.” Or “Before you cut those carrots, make sure your fingers are out of the way.”

All of those statements are much clearer and more meaningful than “Be careful!” They give specific instructions on how to be careful.

But let’s take it a step further. What if, instead of saying “Don’t climb on any branches that are too small to hold you up!” we said “What do you think would happen if a branch was so small that it couldn’t hold you?” or “How strong do you think those skinny branches are?”

Instead of saying “Watch out for friends before you jump into the pool!” we could say “What would happen if you landed on your friend?” Or “It would sure hurt you and your friend if you jumped in right on top of him!” Instead of saying “Be sure that you don’t cut your fingers!” we could say “That knife is sharp enough to cut through carrots, so it is also sharp enough to cut your fingers.” This puts the onus onto the child to understand the dangers and the consequences, and to take precautions for himself or herself.

Please note that I am not recommending you let your kids learn the hard way to be cautious and that there are consequences for taking risks. Be watchful, keep them safe. Don’t stop to think of the best way to remind your child cars can hurt him if he’s about to get run over. Get him safe. And don’t think that they can learn to be careful all on their own. They need the adults around them to point out dangers sometimes. Just do it in a way that they hear and understand.

This is all an important part of keeping our kids safe.

But what about when they are already perfectly safe? Let’s talk about those moments where they are playing something completely safe, on solid ground with no nearby dangers.

And let’s take this a step further.

Not only shall we stop saying “Be careful” all the time. Let’s also stop talking at our children all the time. Sometimes it is okay to say nothing at all.

I am guilty of talking too much. Instead of following my child down a path, I would often call her back “Honey! Come see this ladybug!” Or I might point out wildflowers, and then ask her what color they are. Or I might try to get her to line up the sticks she is collecting and then count them with me.

Is there anything wrong with using our surroundings and finding time to teach things in the moment? No. It is good to talk about colors and practice counting, and point out things of interest. Our kids learn so many things that way. We just don’t need to spend all of our time telling our kids things. We need to let them find things to tell us!

My daughter and I might find something else to look at, if we aren’t stopping to check out a ladybug or flowers or sticks. Maybe we missed watching a hummingbird sip nectar while we were looking at the ladybug. Maybe my daughter would have found a grasshopper or a squirrel or even just a rock that she liked. Maybe she would have discovered the ladybug on her own. If I hadn’t suggested counting the sticks, maybe she would have used them to build a fairy house or a campfire or a bear’s den or a spaceship. If I wasn’t pointing out wildflowers, maybe she wouldn’t have seen anything at all that caught her eye, and she would have imagined something instead. I’ll never know what she would have come up with, because I was too busy pointing out things that I saw.

Sometimes, you need to just be. Let the children direct the pace, let them point out the things they see, and let them choose the path. Even if they choose to sit down and stare at the grass. 

We all need to take a little more time to just be.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said “It’s a happy talent to know how to play,” and I worry that we are losing the capacity for that talent when we try to drive our children’s activities. We need to back away sometimes, and let them play. Let them be. Let them choose what to do next, where to focus, what to investigate. They will often surprise us with what they choose to see and do.

I also believe that they are more fully engrossed in the thing that they choose, rather than the things we point out to them. They have an innate curiosity and an intrinsic drive that is leading them to certain things. Those things, that they are most drawn to and interested in, are going to be those things that they best learn and remember.

Even more than the things that they learn from their explorations, is the sense of self that they will develop, the ability to be calm and content, the ability to trust themselves, and to be comfortable in their own skin. If our children don’t start with a strong foundation of who they are, they won’t know who and what they want to be.

So I challenge you:

The next time you are outside playing with your children, engage with them. Look at what they show you, answer their questions, watch them play. Don’t ask them to hurry, or to look at the things that you see. Don’t tell them to be careful. Just be.