Pencil me in...

Valentine’s Day is less than two weeks away! Do you have plans?

If not, don’t worry about it. But do worry about your dating life.

Just a little bit.

You need to make sure you are still enjoying time with your spouse, and with no kids around, even if it’s just for an hour or two. You really do.

A couple days after I wrote the last post about having your kids put their electronic devices down, I ran into a friend. She admitted that she is guilty of letting her kids play on her phone in restaurants, because she feels like that is the only way she can have an uninterrupted conversation with her husband.

I get that! Boy, do I ever get that.

It is so hard to take a thought from point A to point B when you are interrupted by the kids. It’s hard enough to get through a simple conversation like “What movie should we rent?” Let alone the kinds of BIG and IMPORTANT conversations we all need to have sometimes. Remember the things you used to talk about? Before you were married? Before kids? When was the last time you got to talk about your dreams or goals? Your hopes? Your philosophy? Your job? Your feelings?

It is so important to take time to be an adult. It is important so you can have these conversations. It is important so you can do grown-up things (like eat in a restaurant that doesn’t bring crayons to the table, or watch a movie that isn’t about Elsa and Anna, or wander a museum, or take a cooking/painting/winetasting/pottery class). It is important to your sense of self, just to have an hour or two where no one spits up on you, you don’t have to change a diaper, and you aren’t washing anyone’s hands or face. It is important that you put on nice clothes and know that they will stay nice, for at least a little while. It is important that you feel good about who you are, as a person. It is important so you maintain interests and skills and a sense of self. (Someday your parenting will stop being a full-time task, and what will you do with your extra time?) It is important so you don’t forget that your spouse is a person, and not just your parenting co-worker.

If you can, schedule a babysitter, and get out of the house. You need a change of scenery, and you need to be able to walk away from the laundry piles and forget them for a little while. At one point I realized that paying a babysitter for the amount of time it takes to go out for dinner, costs no more than paying for two or three extra kids' meals at a restaurant. My kids would rather stay home and eat frozen pizza while their favorite high schooler plays games with them, than go sit in a restaurant anyway. (Plus, only my husband and I get votes on the choice of restaurant this way, and we go to much more exciting restaurants without them).

Try something new! Experience a new ethnic restaurant you’ve never tasted before. Go to a play or a musical, or a pro soccer game. Or check out the sunset views from The Getty gardens. Sign up for a painting/wine night at Pinot’s Palette.

It doesn’t have to be expensive to go out on dates. If you’re so lucky as to have weekdays off, go to breakfast while the kids are at school, and skip the babysitter fees.  If you have to do weekends (like my husband and I), a movie and dinner might start to become too expensive. Go out to dinner and bring a movie back form Redbox (the kids will be asleep by movie time anyway!). Or eat dinner at home and just go out for desert. A friend of mine and her husband have a tradition left over from their lean college years, where they challenge themselves to go out for $10 or less. They might get two burgers, split some fries, and drink water, but they enjoy the challenge and they really enjoy the time together. 

You can do free things, too! Take a walk on a beach. Browse a bookstore together. Go stargazing at Griffith Observatory. Find your favorite star on Hollywood’s walk of fame.

Even if you can’t get a babysitter, you can still have a date. Some nights, my husband I will get all the kids to bed, and then cook dinner together. We have also been known to go pick up dinner, and have a little picnic on the living room floor and watch a movie together.

What’s really important is that you and your partner remain partners in every sense of the word. You are partners in the parenting role, of course. Take time to make sure you are on the same page. You are partners in the role of just being companions to each other, too. Don’t forget to focus on your partner. Be a support for him or her. Show interest in what he or she wants to do or say. That person you chose to spend your life with? He’s still the same guy. He’s just as interesting and fun and amazing as he was when you met. She’s still the same girl. She’s just as caring and thoughtful and interesting as she was when you met. Don’t forget that.

Take your partner out on a date. She deserves it. He needs it. And so do you.

And if it’s not on Valentine’s Day, that’s okay! No one wants to fight the crowds and pay for special menus anyway. Just make sure that your Valentine knows how important you think they are, and do it soon.