Dear Parents,
In our Parent Volunteer Club groups this month, we talked about risks and
encouraging our children to take age-appropriate risks, so they can grow into
emotionally, physically, and socially strong children. One interesting point
that kept coming up in our discussion groups was the idea of helping our
children to take the leap sometimes required to make friends. It is hard on us
parents, and even hard on our kids, to know who they should be playing with,
whom their friends are, and how they are handling themselves.
Let’s talk about how
preschoolers make friends.
First of all, kids change and develop their play habits and
their social skills as they grow older. Every child is on his or her own
schedule, but they all more or less follow a similar path as far as social
skills and friendships develop.
Toddlers and very young children engage in parallel play.
This is when they play alongside each other, rather than with each other. They tend to focus on the toys or tasks at hand
rather than the other children with them. Often, a child will grab a toy from
another, because he or she is more aware of the toy than the child who was
using it. When a child has a toy taken from him or her, the reaction can be
either to cry, to move on to a new toy, or to try to take it back. All of these
are normal reactions and have more to do with personality than developmental
stage. At this age, we hear children asking “Where is the dollhouse?” Or “Will
you push me on the swing?”
As they get a little older and enter the preschool years,
children become much more interested in their peers. This is the time when
friendships start to form, and children must learn to share, to take turns, to
compromise, and to listen to one another. Wow! That is a lot of growing and
developing for a little guy! At the preschool, we devote many of our
activities, our classroom and outdoor spaces, and our attention to helping children
learn to play cooperatively and make friends.
So what does it look like when children being playing
interactively and forming friendships? It is a gradual development. First,
children will begin to emerge from the parallel play stage. They may focus on a
particular toy or activity, but they will notice the other children playing in
that area as well. They will enter a play situation by finding the activity that
interests them, and then play and interact and (hopefully!) cooperate with the
other children who have gravitated toward that activity as well. Children, for
whom this is a new concept, still have to learn to share a toy, take turns on a
slide, or find a way to use something together. Waiting in line, delaying
gratification, and considering a new way to use a toy or play structure so that
it can be a joint experience are all things children have to learn. As this age, we hear the children
ask “Can I play trucks with you?” or “I want a train engine too!”
Over time, a child will find that he or she plays with the
same kid or couple of kids often. If your daughter runs to the tricycles every
day, she will find herself playing with other tricycle-lovers. If he loves to
make roads in the sand with tractors, he will often find that he is playing
with the same tractor-loving friends over and over. This is a preschooler’s way
of finding common ground and developing a relationship based on it. At this
age, we often hear “Come be a passenger on my bike!” or “I’ll use the red
bucket and you use the blue bucket.”
As children develop, they find more satisfaction and
fulfillment from human interactions than they do from toys or puzzles. They begin
to seek out their friends first, and then decide what to play together. Children
are just beginning to start to think in terms of having a “best friend.” This
is when we hear children ask “When is so-and-so getting to school today?” or “Come
on, let’s go to the art table together!”
This doesn’t all just magically happen, though. There are
skills to being social, and preschool is the perfect time to practice and
develop those skills. Children need to be able to converse with one another, so
practice this. Talk – and listen – to your child. Practice not interrupting,
and telling stories together. Children also need to be able to keep frustration
and impulses in check. Work on sharing at home, and practice speaking instead
of grabbing, hitting or shouting. When your child is upset, stay calm and work
on problem-solving instead of punishing negative behaviors. Also, work on
developing empathy. Point out to your
child how you notice others and keep their feelings in mind. Talk about what
other people might want or need, and how you can help them, together. For
example, if you are at the park and another child is crying, you can talk with
your child about what might be wrong. Did the child get hurt? Or scared? Teach
your child to consider how other people feel.
One side note: At our preschool, we are very clear with the
children that sharing does not mean giving up what you want. We don’t force
children to give a toy to someone else who wants it, and we don’t put a time
limit such as “In three minutes, let someone else have the swing.” Instead, we
ask the children to play with their toy, and then when they are finished, to remember that someone else wanted it. A
teacher might ask a child “He wants your tricycle. When you are done riding can
you give it to him?” That empowers the child to enjoy what he has, to take care
of others, and to decide for himself when he is ready to move on. It is far
more important for a child to learn to communicate, (saying, “I am using this but
when I finish you certainly can”), rather than giving in to others. Both
children then learn. One learns that his feelings and desires matter, and the other
learns that we can’t control each other, but rather that we can cooperate and work
out a solution. It is very important that
your child learn to stick up for himself rather than giving in to those who ask
him to.
If you want to help your child make friends, encourage him
or her to take risks. This is such a great, safe age for approaching new
friends. At the beginning of the school year, everyone is looking for a buddy, and
preschoolers are such wonderfully welcoming, warm, sweet people. They are open-minded
and encouraging to each other. Suggest that your child offer a toy car to another
child so they can use the tracks together. He can throw the ball to another
child and start a game. Or she can ask a classmate, “Wanna bake cakes in the
kitchen together?” Teach your child to assess a situation and find a way to
join the game or activity in progress, rather than try to control or change the
play. If kids are “baking” in the mud kitchen, your child will do better to
join in the baking, as opposed to trying to get the play to switch over to
making tracks through the mud. Sometime it is as simple as teaching your child
of how to say hello to people. When you greet people, smile, and use their
name, your child will learn from your example. It is the first step in
initiating a conversation, and eventually a friendship, but it isn’t always one
that children naturally pick up on their own.
Do you know where
your child is, developmentally? Do you wonder
where he or she is?
Ask him!
However, it helps if you know how to ask. It is very likely at this age that your child doesn’t know
the name of the friend he played with. If you ask “Who did you play with today?”
your child might not be able to answer the question. Don’t despair! This doesn’t
mean that your child didn’t play all day or that he played alone. It just means
he didn’t ask, or doesn’t remember, the names of the other children he played
with. Instead ask, “What toys did you play with today?” Or “What did you do during
outside/inside time?” Then, ask “Did a friend play with you?” “Did you share
the blocks?” “Did you kick the ball back and forth with someone else?” “Did other
friends play in the kitchen with you?” Even when your child can remember
exactly who she played with and what they played, they might not know their friends’
name. Don’t be surprised if the answer is “The girl with the pigtails” or “The boy
that likes dinosaurs.”
Keep in mind, too, that not every child is a social
butterfly. Some children want to watch and assess a situation before they dive
in. Some want to play with one other friend at a time, rather than in a large
group. Some will learn all of their classmates’ names and jump from friend to friend
and activity to activity, where others want to play the same thing over and
over again, and choose to settle with one well-matched friend. Neither is
better. Remember, the quality of your child’s friendships is more important than
the quantity. Please don’t push your child beyond where she is comfortable. If
your child feels pressured to approach other children, it may backfire. You don’t
want your child to be frozen by stress of having
to initiate conversations.
These years are so full of so many changes and so much
learning, for our little ones and ourselves as parents. It’s totally normal to
worry about our kids, and it’s totally normal for our kids to hit bumps in the
road as they grow and develop. Take a deep breath, watch your child, learn from
her, and find the joy that your child experiences every day!
This is part one of a
two-part series on friendships and social skills.
