A Wonderful Wet Rainy Day!

Dear Parents,

As we were opening the school on this rainy morning, I was thinking back to rainy days when I was young. As a kid, a rainy day is exciting! It’s new and fun… there are puddles and rain boots and umbrellas and the school schedule is usually different. I remember having the older kids come help entertain us and keep us occupied and playing “Heads Up Seven Up” in the classroom at lunchtime. I thought it was the greatest thing ever.

As a parent, a rainy day isn’t always quite so desirable. Instead of being thrilled to twirl an umbrella and admire our boots, we are usually searching for rain boots and rain coats and avoiding puddles and carrying umbrellas and washing extra laundry and dealing with the cabin fever and the misdirected energy, aren’t we? We are trying to find ways to keep the kids occupied and we are nagging them to turn off the TV and pick up the toys they have strewn all over the house. It’s hard being stuck inside, isn’t it?

But it doesn’t have to be that way!

First of all, don’t be stuck inside! There is nothing about rain that means you can’t enjoy heading out. Put on a rain coat and go for a walk! A walk in the rain is a whole different experience than a walk on a sunny day. There are so many new things to observe and enjoy. Find puddles, and let the kids splash in them. Let them jump and stomp until they exhaust themselves. Watch leaves and sticks float. Toss in rocks and watch the splash. Fold a piece of paper into a boat and let it sail away. Watch the rain rush down the gutters and pour into the storm drains. Rescue worms. Look for reflections on the wet ground. Stand under a tree and watch the rain pour all around you. Warning: Your kids will get wet. Their clothes might get soaked through and they might start to shiver and get blue lips. When you’ve had enough or they’ve had enough, it’s all reversible. Head back inside, dry off, and get on warm cozy clothes. Nothing feels better than cuddling up in a big blanket and starting to feel your fingers and toes again. You won’t suffer anything that you can’t fix in a few minutes and a fresh set of clothes (or better yet… warm pajamas and slippers!).

Just the other day when it was raining one of the kids asked “Can we go out to play?” Usually, if it isn’t raining hard, we will indeed take the kids outside even if it’s just for a little bit. This time, though, it was raining a little too much. I said we couldn’t because of the rain, and he replied “We can put our jackets on!” His tone of voice was pretty incredulous that I hadn’t thought of that idea, and I had to laugh. It seems so obvious, even to a 4-year-old. Just put on a jacket! You don’t need anything else to enjoy a good rainy day.

Once you have spent your time outside and gotten out some wiggles and done some exploring, you might still have a few hours left in your long rainy day. This is the time to allow the kids to be creative. Get out some things you don’t usually play with, because the novelty will translate into a longer attention span.

I love to let my kids build. Some of the ordinary household objects that I save just for rainy days are aluminum foil, masking tape, and rolls of brown paper (the kind you use for mailing a box). I let the kids use as much as they want of these items. They have done so many different things with these three things over the years. They have made forts with the tape and paper and our furniture. They have created sculptures out of foil. They have stretched tape all across the hallway and created a series of “laser beams” that they have to climb over and under to get down the hallway alive. They have colored on foil with sharpies, taped their hostage stuffed animals into jail, and made hopscotch on the kitchen floor. There is no end to what they can do with these simple supplies. I find that the trick is that we only use these things in this way when it is a rainy day. This keeps it new and exciting. (The rest of the time, I use foil for wrapping food, tape in small pieces as needed, and paper for wrapping boxes.) Bonus? When the kids are done, the mess gets swooped into a trashcan in less than 3 minutes. There is nothing spilled, and nothing damaged.

Another great building experience is to get out mini marshmallows and toothpicks. See how tall you can make a tower. Or how long you can make a bridge. Build a ladder. Make a box.

Finally, keep a couple of toys that are just for back-up on rainy days. When everything else has run its course, pull out the special toys. I like jigsaw puzzles and board games. Maybe you have a specific set of train tracks, plastic animals, blocks, or stickers. Again, if they are just specifically for use on a day when you are stuck inside, they will seem new and exciting to the kids.

Most of all, don’t stress! Rainy days can be fun and exciting and something to look forward to. If you don’t feel quite that optimistic about a rainy day, at least it doesn’t have to be any different than a sunny day. Take some time to play outside, some time to play inside, and then snuggle up and read a good book together. You’ll make memories and you’ll make the time magically fly by.  What more can you hope for your children’s childhood?

Miss Susan

Making Friends

Dear Parents,

In our Parent Volunteer Club groups this month, we talked about risks and encouraging our children to take age-appropriate risks, so they can grow into emotionally, physically, and socially strong children. One interesting point that kept coming up in our discussion groups was the idea of helping our children to take the leap sometimes required to make friends. It is hard on us parents, and even hard on our kids, to know who they should be playing with, whom their friends are, and how they are handling themselves.

Let’s talk about how preschoolers make friends.

First of all, kids change and develop their play habits and their social skills as they grow older. Every child is on his or her own schedule, but they all more or less follow a similar path as far as social skills and friendships develop.

Toddlers and very young children engage in parallel play. This is when they play alongside each other, rather than with each other. They tend to focus on the toys or tasks at hand rather than the other children with them. Often, a child will grab a toy from another, because he or she is more aware of the toy than the child who was using it. When a child has a toy taken from him or her, the reaction can be either to cry, to move on to a new toy, or to try to take it back. All of these are normal reactions and have more to do with personality than developmental stage. At this age, we hear children asking “Where is the dollhouse?” Or “Will you push me on the swing?”

As they get a little older and enter the preschool years, children become much more interested in their peers. This is the time when friendships start to form, and children must learn to share, to take turns, to compromise, and to listen to one another. Wow! That is a lot of growing and developing for a little guy! At the preschool, we devote many of our activities, our classroom and outdoor spaces, and our attention to helping children learn to play cooperatively and make friends.

So what does it look like when children being playing interactively and forming friendships? It is a gradual development. First, children will begin to emerge from the parallel play stage. They may focus on a particular toy or activity, but they will notice the other children playing in that area as well. They will enter a play situation by finding the activity that interests them, and then play and interact and (hopefully!) cooperate with the other children who have gravitated toward that activity as well. Children, for whom this is a new concept, still have to learn to share a toy, take turns on a slide, or find a way to use something together. Waiting in line, delaying gratification, and considering a new way to use a toy or play structure so that it can be a joint experience are all things children have to learn. As this age, we hear the children ask “Can I play trucks with you?” or “I want a train engine too!”

Over time, a child will find that he or she plays with the same kid or couple of kids often. If your daughter runs to the tricycles every day, she will find herself playing with other tricycle-lovers. If he loves to make roads in the sand with tractors, he will often find that he is playing with the same tractor-loving friends over and over. This is a preschooler’s way of finding common ground and developing a relationship based on it. At this age, we often hear “Come be a passenger on my bike!” or “I’ll use the red bucket and you use the blue bucket.”

As children develop, they find more satisfaction and fulfillment from human interactions than they do from toys or puzzles. They begin to seek out their friends first, and then decide what to play together.  Children are just beginning to start to think in terms of having a “best friend.” This is when we hear children ask “When is so-and-so getting to school today?” or “Come on, let’s go to the art table together!”

This doesn’t all just magically happen, though. There are skills to being social, and preschool is the perfect time to practice and develop those skills. Children need to be able to converse with one another, so practice this. Talk – and listen – to your child. Practice not interrupting, and telling stories together. Children also need to be able to keep frustration and impulses in check. Work on sharing at home, and practice speaking instead of grabbing, hitting or shouting. When your child is upset, stay calm and work on problem-solving instead of punishing negative behaviors. Also, work on developing empathy.  Point out to your child how you notice others and keep their feelings in mind. Talk about what other people might want or need, and how you can help them, together. For example, if you are at the park and another child is crying, you can talk with your child about what might be wrong. Did the child get hurt? Or scared? Teach your child to consider how other people feel.

One side note: At our preschool, we are very clear with the children that sharing does not mean giving up what you want. We don’t force children to give a toy to someone else who wants it, and we don’t put a time limit such as “In three minutes, let someone else have the swing.” Instead, we ask the children to play with their toy, and then when they are finished, to remember that someone else wanted it. A teacher might ask a child “He wants your tricycle. When you are done riding can you give it to him?” That empowers the child to enjoy what he has, to take care of others, and to decide for himself when he is ready to move on. It is far more important for a child to learn to communicate, (saying, “I am using this but when I finish you certainly can”), rather than giving in to others. Both children then learn. One learns that his feelings and desires matter, and the other learns that we can’t control each other, but rather that we can cooperate and work out a solution. It is very important that your child learn to stick up for himself rather than giving in to those who ask him to.

If you want to help your child make friends, encourage him or her to take risks. This is such a great, safe age for approaching new friends. At the beginning of the school year, everyone is looking for a buddy, and preschoolers are such wonderfully welcoming, warm, sweet people. They are open-minded and encouraging to each other. Suggest that your child offer a toy car to another child so they can use the tracks together. He can throw the ball to another child and start a game. Or she can ask a classmate, “Wanna bake cakes in the kitchen together?” Teach your child to assess a situation and find a way to join the game or activity in progress, rather than try to control or change the play. If kids are “baking” in the mud kitchen, your child will do better to join in the baking, as opposed to trying to get the play to switch over to making tracks through the mud. Sometime it is as simple as teaching your child of how to say hello to people. When you greet people, smile, and use their name, your child will learn from your example. It is the first step in initiating a conversation, and eventually a friendship, but it isn’t always one that children naturally pick up on their own.

Do you know where your child is, developmentally? Do you wonder where he or she is?

Ask him!

However, it helps if you know how to ask. It is very likely at this age that your child doesn’t know the name of the friend he played with. If you ask “Who did you play with today?” your child might not be able to answer the question. Don’t despair! This doesn’t mean that your child didn’t play all day or that he played alone. It just means he didn’t ask, or doesn’t remember, the names of the other children he played with. Instead ask, “What toys did you play with today?” Or “What did you do during outside/inside time?” Then, ask “Did a friend play with you?” “Did you share the blocks?” “Did you kick the ball back and forth with someone else?” “Did other friends play in the kitchen with you?” Even when your child can remember exactly who she played with and what they played, they might not know their friends’ name. Don’t be surprised if the answer is “The girl with the pigtails” or “The boy that likes dinosaurs.”

Keep in mind, too, that not every child is a social butterfly. Some children want to watch and assess a situation before they dive in. Some want to play with one other friend at a time, rather than in a large group. Some will learn all of their classmates’ names and jump from friend to friend and activity to activity, where others want to play the same thing over and over again, and choose to settle with one well-matched friend. Neither is better. Remember, the quality of your child’s friendships is more important than the quantity. Please don’t push your child beyond where she is comfortable. If your child feels pressured to approach other children, it may backfire. You don’t want your child to be frozen by stress of having to initiate conversations.

These years are so full of so many changes and so much learning, for our little ones and ourselves as parents. It’s totally normal to worry about our kids, and it’s totally normal for our kids to hit bumps in the road as they grow and develop. Take a deep breath, watch your child, learn from her, and find the joy that your child experiences every day!

This is part one of a two-part series on friendships and social skills.